Top 10 Signs
You Got A Bad Xmas Tree
10. It's two feet tall and 40 feet wide.
9. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?"
8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of
coat hangers stuck to it.
7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family
caravan for a joy ride.
6. Each branch has a "Duraflame" sign printed on
it.
5. Keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top 10 list.
4. It's very small and says "Air Freshener" on it.
3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours.
2. Some guy named Mujibur put a cheap Statue of Liberty trinket
on top of it.
1. It's constantly bragging about its "trunk size."
John & David!
John and David were both patients in a Mental hospital.
One day, John suddenly dived into the deep end of the swimming
pool.
David jumped in and saved him, and the medical director
came to know of his heroic act..
He immediately order David to be discharged from the Mental
Hospital as he is OK.
Doctor: We have good news and bad news for you, David. The
good news is that we are going to discharge you because
you have regained your senses, since you are able to jump
in and save another patient you are now a normal person.
The bad news is that, the patient Mr. John, whom you have
saved, hung himself in the toilet, and died.
David: Doctor, he didn't hang himself. I hung him there
to dry !
12 Stages of modern love.........!!
JANUARY - ROSE
FEBRUARY - PROPOSE
MARCH - GIFT
APRIL - LIFT
MAY - CHATTING
JUNE - DATING
JULY - MISS YOU
AUGUST - KISS YOU
SEPTEMBER - ANGER
OCTOBER - DANGER
NOVEMBER - LEFT
DECEMBER - NEXT
Counting In The Hole!
A man is strolling past a lunatic asylum when he hears a
loud chanting. "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"
goes the noise form within the mental hospital's wards.
The man's curiosity gets the better of him and he searches
for a hole in the security fence. It's not long before he
finds a small crack, so he leans forward and peers in.
Instantly, someone jabs him in the eye. As he reels back
in agony, the chanting continues: "Fourteen! Fourteen!
Fourteen!"
Father's Ashes!!
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she
shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go
to the kitchen to make them a few drinks. As he's standing
there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back
in.
He says, "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He turns beat red in horror and goes, "Geez, oh..I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen
to get an ashtray."
TOP 10 DOG PEEVES ABOUT HUMANS
01. Blaming your farts on me... not funny... not funny at
all!
02. Yelling at me for barking .. I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG!
03. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff
out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
04. Any trick that involves balancing food on my nose ...
stop it!
05. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know
why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.
06. The slight of hand, fake fetch throw. You fooled a dog!
Whoooo Hoooooooo -- what a proud moment for the top of the
food chain.
07. Taking me to the vet for the "big snip", then
acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!
08. Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing
yet.
09. Dog sweaters. Hello? Haven't you noticed the fur?
10. How you act disgusted when I lick myself Look, we both
know the truth, you're just jealous.
Police Story:
Lady calls up police department: Officer, there is a man
exposing himself in the next building.
Dispatcher: OK, we'll be right over, lady.
(Five minutes later at her apartment.)
Officer: Which way, lady?
Lady: This way officer, he's still shamelessly baring himself.
Officer: Where is he, lady? I don't see no naked man.
Lady: Oh, you have to look through this telescope.
Naked Statue
Two old ladies are walking through a museum and got separated.
When they ran into each other later the first old lady said
to the second, "Oh my! Did you see that statue of the
naked man back there?"
The second old lady replied, "Yes! I was absolutely
shocked! How can they display such a thing! My gosh the
penis on it was so large!"
Where upon the first old lady accidentally blurted out,
"...Yeah, and cold, too!"
Holy Cow!!
cows cows
about cows
talking cows
you cows
kept cows
I cows
long cows
how cows
look cows
Idiot cows
hey cows
read this out loud. say cow before each line. say cow after
each line.
Say cow before and after each line.
Now read the first word from each line bottom-top.
Snow in June!!
A big-rig operator stopped to pick up a female hitchhiker
wearing REALLY short shorts.
"Say, what's your name, mister?" she inquired,
after she climbed up in the truck.
"It's Snow ... Roy Snow," he answered, "and
what's yours?"
"Me, I'm June ... June Hansen," she said.
After a short while she asked, "Hey, why do you keep
sizing me up with those sidelong glances?"
"Can you imagine what it might be like," he countered,
"... having eight inches of Snow in June?"
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